The Buddha’s LaughForeign Desk · Letters to the Abbot from the Laughing Buddha
Morning WireMonday, October 12, 2026
Satire

Where it stands

Juicero, San Francisco
1Received
Relic No. 006Catalogued

The $699 Squeeze

Site
Juicero, San Francisco
Era
2013 to 2017
Material
Aluminium, Wi-Fi, QR codes
Intended use
A connected juice press
Actual use
A machine matched by two hands
Status
Closed in 2017. Refunds offered.

SAN FRANCISCO. Raised $120 million. Launched in 2016 at $699, cut to $399 the next year. It pressed proprietary bags of chopped produce, and scanned each bag’s code before it would agree to.

Then reporters squeezed the bags by hand. The juice was nearly indistinguishable.

Sales stopped in September 2017.

The ancients prized the uncarved block, the thing in its plain state before cleverness arrives. The bag of fruit was already the uncarved block. Someone carved a $699 machine around it.

Noted.

A $699 press, opened up to see what it was doing that hands could not. Photo: Steve Jurvetson, CC BY 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons.
WIREPHOTO. A $699 press, opened up to see what it was doing that hands could not. Photo: Steve Jurvetson, CC BY 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons.

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